Björne Keith Jackson

20180825_110617156219263.jpgSo when my wife first got pregnant we wasn’t even married . Kinda felt bad so we tried our hardest to have the wedding . We have been engaged since July 7 , 2016 but its 2017 and she is three months pregnant and still no wedding . Well we had the date set for our legal marraige on March 10 , 2017 .
But sadly she miscarried three days before the legal marriage . Shocked by this surprise I didn’t know what to think , I mean this was my first kid and I was expecting to raise him/her . The worst part about it is , I don’t know the gender . So we did not want to leave the kid nameless . So me and my wife sat down while painting the box we was burying the kid in . We came up with J.L.J. which is in my email . We said that if it was a boy , his name could be Jackie Luke Jackson , and if it was a girl the name could be Jackie Lyn Jackson . So we had our small burial because to me , that was my child . We felt a loss and I didn’t know what to think . Honestly I was heartbroken and felt defeated like it was my fault . It’s hard now knowing it’s been a year since then and I still cry over the kid . I miss him/her and sometimes feel like I will never know the physical features of my child . Was it a he or a she , did he/she look like momma or look like daddy . Favorites food , books , songs , color , activities , I will never know . Hopefully I can live my life right and see my Baby in Heaven if I make it .

Now , I can’t remeber dates but I do remeber being at my wife’s aunt’s house cooking lunch . Maybe it was breakfast but either way it was there . My little sister was with me and my wife had came up behind me , when I turned around she had the biggest smile . She told me she was three weeks pregnant . I remeber giving her a hug and crying not only because ” oh my gosh your prego ” but because of the miscarriage before hand . Now I’m not going to go into much detail through the pregnancy because that can be a different post . But I will say this . The doctor said we was having a girl . So as parents would do , we set aside a time for a gender reveal and baby shower . We had named her Javalyne Skye Jackson . We’ll we didn’t feel right so got another Ultrasound , we found out the she , was a he , and I was shocked . We had already had the parties so to speak and the ” Due Date ” was only a couple weeks away . We was able to get some boy clothes thanks to a friend and happy life was coming . And we named him Björne Keith Jackson . I have Scandinavian in me and I get tired of the normal names . Looking back now , I was so scared of one of them dying at delivery . But five months past and I still have my wife and my amazing son . Growing like a weed . Sometimes I wonder if his big sibling is watching out for him . If he/she is well then daddy is proud .

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